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Sunday, October 23, 2016

Pit, crystal coffins, and the Musketeers

Hardly anyone will deny: life in Russia — as in, to each his own-shaped country is special, not like the boredom of the backward States, ceremoniously democratic drag of the West or the dictatorship of smiling East. The amendments to the geographical and political nuances, these differences, these discrepancies more and more noticeable. Can’t help wondering: how in the current Russian conditions, would have developed the famous classic stories (the world and our, native, also works?

photo: Alex geldings

The godfather

To don Corleone (Daniel Charles, nicknamed Papa Carlo) on his daughter’s wedding comes a famous football player. Everyone is happy to see him, greeted with a standing ovation. Daniel Charles flattered by the visit. He and the guest are deleted in the fireplace. There the player presents the request:

— Want to team. This is for me a matter of life and death.

Daniel Charles sent to the Minister of sports envoy. Minister meets Mafioso.” Mocks:

— What is he a player? From him the ball as off the beam bounces. I don’t care that you’re in a black suit. I myself am in a black suit.

The negotiations came to nothing lead. Begins organized by Pope Carlo Maloney scandal. But the Minister just not getting through. Not to knock over. He wanted to spit that the national team will not go to the Olympics!

Night the Minister wakes up in a cherry syrup broke his cherry orchard, the berries are crushed, the harvest is gone. Well at least not stabbed and not laid in bed with a stubborn favorite tennis player (athlete, President of the chess Federation).

Followed by talks with the coaches of national football teams. Capello refuses to take a player to the national team and gets the resignation. Scared Hiddink refuses to accept, the management team itself. Ordered Slutsky. He can not obey: military training in CSKA.

Team protégé of Pope Carlo goes to the European championship in Paris, and there possess unique dribbling…

The biblical legend about the tower of Babel

The mayor started to build a skyscraper. The highest in the world. But not finished, lost confidence.

His successor thought, “why would he raised up such a long tower? Everyone will remember about him, and I’m in his shadow darkened?” And told me not to finish the remaining few floors.

The next mayor has decided to take up the skyscraper and broke several of the upper tiers.

The next mayor and is ordered to demolish the tower jutting out in the middle of the city a fragment of a precious tooth. That so much as analogous to a foreign city left.

The next mayor has declared war on all historical monuments. Including “hruschoby”. And bulldozed everything in a single storey building which is the former tower was surrounded.

The following has sworn that he will not allow infill construction on vacant sites. And the sound of these slogans has built up all that is possible, a concrete monstrosity.

Such barbarity revolted the next master of metropolis. Past mistakes need to be corrected! The demolition suffered by all large and small piles of remake.

The one who took on the post of the city head after he ordered to dig a hole. Under the new masterpiece construction.

But the money for the frills lacked. Left a hole in the middle of the city. Instead of the city. As a reminder of the fact that the head does not prevent to find common language among themselves. And with other people.

Two sleeping beauties

The myth is that Stalin learned from the Mausoleum and buried near the Kremlin wall. The case was different. Lenin and Stalin loved to talk about classic literature: Dostoevsky, Gorky, Leo Tolstoy, and, of course, about Pushkin.

One day they were arguing about a fairy tale about the sleeping Princess. Lenin said:

— This story is about me. It’s me, when you die, you turn into sleeping beauty. People are so fond of me that was placed in a crystal coffin and I enjoy.

— No, gorgeous — I, — said Stalin. — I was placed in a transparent sarcophagus and will be coming to worship.

Both were right: they made incorruptible by embalming it and put in marble of Egypt-Slavic pyramid in the shadow of St. Basil’s Cathedral.

And were two of the leader — is equally beautiful as the bride of marriageable age. The mummy stretched the never-ending human stream. And although he and the other leaders were equally dear to the masses, the choice was made in favor of more deserved speckled barbel. He could have exterminated more people than his rival, and reigned longer than wrinkled bearded man. Therefore, the power of Stalin, the people (that is, according to Pushkin’s version, the king’s son Elisha) kiss harder, longer and nastier. And the leader, as predicted, the poet, rose, rose, and left the Treasury of the tomb. He has since been wandering the streets of Moscow, dropping in at home to the citizens, flies on the flags, appears on television and radio in many of its guises. In General, being present and involved in the life of the country.

Bitter, very bitter to see this injustice to Lenin (who wrote the essay “V. I. Lenin” Maxim the Bitter), bitter, which was in second place after his successor, but hope remains: the people, waking from their slumber and delusion, ardently kiss each other and him, too — and he, like Stalin, you’ll see, soon shall rise and walk around the Russia revolutionary slogans and whirling fires.

The three Musketeers and palm oil

Queen of France as a sign of special appreciation was presented went to travel in Russia, the writer Dumas barrel of palm oil, which her husband, king of France, was a great hunter.

It happened that at this moment in the basement of the Royal vault came to an end the supply of this scarce in those days of the product. The king of France was extremely stingy, and kept all the supplies on the account. He had a special conduit, which appeared, how much do not fall under the sanctions of the product received and how much spent. According to his account book was: one barrel needs to be opened and sound. None but the king and his wife, had no right to dispose of this unique delicacy.

The Queen felt the brewing scandal. For palm oil the king would not stop even before the divorce (especially since he had a young mistress, lady winter (nickname Winchester). To be locked up in a prison or monastery or even executed the Queen was not smiling. She sent faithful people: Athos, Porthos, Aramis and d’artagnan — in Russia. The Musketeers had to come a long way and overcome a lot of obstacles. But the goal was achieved. In Russia, they were in for a surprise: palm oil have been here for drown.

Porthos took a radical decision and contributed to the abolition of anti-Russian sanctions, after which the heroes get promoted. De Treville, their teacher, was granted the honor to become the Royal chef. And in Russia, established the expression “he’s got the oil in the head.”

Elephants and Pug

Hello, dear esteemed Bishop! You write your old friend.

I’m sorry I once again appeal to you, an extremely important and busy person, but still “you”, but we are with you in absentia not the first day familiar. If you did not immediately identify me (such as I, you must have a lot) will tell you: every morning when you go to work in the truck with flashing lights and accompanied by a train of circus performers on motorcycles, I bark at you out of the gate.

Otherwise to you not to shout. Your assistants and secretaries, all your administration is canceling on me. Why? I worse than you?

Of you the other day, Elephant, visited a China shop. And behaved unacceptably. Pushed, shoved, hit counter, smashed cups and saucers. Your gesture, the Elephant, can be misinterpreted. Because the utensils of the Chinese, and the Chinese are our trusted and loyal friends, partners and allies. Real international scandal. I’m telling you about it directly, honestly, and impartially. You’re wrong, an Elephant. And deserve severe censure! This one you do so safely, I will not say! You see, if you beat up English or German sets, but to crush the plates and saucers from China politically is wrong. It is a matter of strategic importance. I can’t shut up! Right in your beautiful wise eyes telling you, Elephant, you’re huge, powerful, muscular, hip, but your godlike appearance is still lacking.

You may be offended by my criticism too harsh, but I sincerely wish you well. Want to say that deeply respect you for that giant thing you’re doing, and that is a great place that is in our society. Yes, I will continue to criticize you, to pull (sometimes they even pretend to want to bite), if you do not perceive my comments. Sorry to remind you, but this is my 274th appeal to you and you never responded. I understand: not enough time to respond to thousands of letters, proclamations, telegrams that you receive daily from citizens of our vast country, but to respond to the requests of the population is still needed. Rude not to respond. Apparently, the Elephant you’re still on top and thick-skinned, if you do not heed me. This is a huge minus. You don’t take no put in your address stinging arrow. Well, I will again and again to overwhelm you because they want the prosperity of our homeland with you, you personally and all your loved ones want good. And I want to take a worthy, worthy of my civil position place. Next to you. Want an Elephant that you saw me and appreciated. Around full those you groom, praises and extols. On their background it is difficult to stand out. So I took the path of yapping. So don’t judge me harshly.

If he does not make me a big boss, I will give you a lot of hassle and trouble. Overwhelm you with a pile of accusatory comments. You would be ashamed to read about what I povlaku the best of me. But I can not remove. If my requirements are satisfied. Choose what you more profitable.

Concludes the Elephant: or meet me halfway (with you I might be qualified to lead the state), or will raise against you a thousand sharp and bitter mongrels like me. Become more responsive, more democratic, more graceful, more tolerant or I’ll do myself.

With deep respect, your Pug.


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